The End of Story, The Beginning of A Real Life

Graduation party… nowadays there is no white-grey uniform anymore, nor that garbage, beautiful moments in a high school, that laugh as well as the joke. I don’t know, it was just yesterday yet, my graduation party that has so much mean for me. Too much story, too much to say, too much to express, tonight… I just miss my high-school-moments.

But I as well as all the students can’t live in that life for forever, 3 years is enough for us. The diploma is our passport for our next life to live in our own life. My friends and all people outside here, now we are building our new lives, I mean, our own life. Some of us go to universities, some of us go to seek a job, some of us send the application and wait the working-call, some of us leave what we dreamt, some of us are still pursuing the dreams, or may be some of us has forget that dream, yea… we have our own ways for living in our new life, the end of story in High School and the beginning of a real life. But, how about me?

In the graduation party, I felt like the luckiest person, but the most foolish person also. It is started by a previous night before the graduation party, I had nothing to wear even just a pair of high heels. But  Allah sent me the help for borrowing my best-friend’s. In the morning, I woke up earlier, I didn’t go to beauty salon like most of my friends did, I just did everything by myself, make up, even wearing my hijab, but I wasn’t really alone. I went to the graduation hall with my uncle. I went there alone, I mean, while every student comes with their parents, I came by myself, I mean my uncle just brought me to the place and left me alone. My parents, my daddy has passed away, my step father was working, and my mother was ill. But that day, I still smiled, I still had them in my heart. My graduation party is an important day for me, but my parents’ prays are more important than that day. And, I thought that I would just deliver a speech, an opening speech from the representative students (yea, that’s me), I didn’t hope any award because I had known that I had no great achievement to be shown.

But in the segment of awarding achievement students, I startled!! I got 3 awards from 4 categories!! I got the highest score for National Examination, the 2^nd highest score for School Examination, and I was the student achiever of non academic achievement in International Film Festival (do you remember the INEFFEST2013 last year? It brought me to the nominee of Erasmus International Film and Festival), in some seconds I felt so blessed and exclusive, it seems like I wasn’t too bad like I thought. I mean, 3 years ago I got an exclusive position also and I got better in my high school moment. But those memorable seconds changed into a worst moment which nobody knew that time, only I and Allah know that.

I was the most foolish person also. From the achievements I got, I knew that I have big responsibility on my shoulder. I knew that the people including the principal of my school hope many things to me, I knew I have made him disappointed of me to letting the scholarship chance, I could read from his eye. He, even didn’t smile at me when he gave me the award, yes I saw that well. I knew, in my house, my mom hopes something even though she never tells it to me, I knew that she was really confused because I was confusing. I wanted many things, and I still got nothing until now. Yes, some people saw me that I was ok, but I wasn’t. I even knew that in a far place, my daddy still hoped me to be a good daughter like he wanted, I knew that. I felt, I was an un-useful person…

but, I stopped that feeling and tried to be happy for that day. And tonight, some questions appear…

“Can I be a successful person? Can I get the exclusive position like I dreamt? Can I go to university? Can I get the job? Can I be the good person like my parents hope? Can I leave my bad habits? Can I live for some years ahead? Can I meet my friends in the future and look that we have been success? ”

Everything can be reached by effort and pray. But in the beginning of the real life, will Allah hear my prays while I am still doing my bad habits? What are the surprises that He’s gonna give for me after today, the D-18 to my 18^th birthday?

Tonight, I can’t sleep nor talk to anyone, I am just able to talk to myself and pour everything in this written. Going to university? I have registered myself more than a week ago in a private university to take S1 in business management, in this case I trust to GICI Business School. But wait! I took this with no scholarship which it means that I have to pay everything by myself. Actually I had taken a marketing group there then I would get some discount for the tuition fee, but I have submitted a resignation, thus I got my days, building my career in working, business and going to the university as college student and  the worker outside the university as well as the owner of my business. A day after the registration, I sent my application letters to some companies. And I hope they’d see my skill and put me in a good position. I have been creating a website also for my online shop, and will be launched at my 18 birthday. Then I can pay my tuition fees, I can give some gifts for my beloved people especially my mom and my family, I can save my money, I can live well in my real life and prepare the 2^nd real life after dying.

Yes, I have made my prediction track for some years ahead. But who am I? I am just a human natural, just the player. But Allah is the director. I can effort as well as I can, but the determination? Everything is in Allah’s authority. I am so worrying because I realize that I am not good enough to get everything that I hope. Yes, I am not. But however, I believe in myself, I believe with my power, I believe that I can make a change, I believe that I will be a better person, I believe that there will be the sunshine behind this rain, I believe that I am not alone, I believe that even though I am not good person, and still, but Allah knows my effort, I believe that He hears my voice, I believe that I AM NOT ALONE! I BELIVE THAT I AM STILL BEING PROTECTED! I BELIVE ‘EM….

The end of story, but the beginning of a real life… I am so thankful for every breath that I can take, for an umpteenth chance, for this amazing feeling, for EVERYTHING. I pray many things not only for me, but also for all of us. I know that I am in hard situation which can’t be understood by anyone, but I am not the only one.

The worry
depression
under-pressure
failure
fear
guiltiness

Those feelings are in me, but those feeling strengthen me. I believe I will get everything that I want, because I believe with the power of pray, the power of love, the power of intuition and the power of trust.

For every time, we have to run away from all negative feelings and ensure our own selves to go ahead for doing positive things. Even though we know that we are not good persons, but we have to try as long as we still feel our heart beat.

Keep trying to be good persons and pursuing our great dreams and targets!
We are great !!! J

Living room in Cibinong
Monday night and Tuesday morning, June 2 and 3 2014
22:54 – 00:18

Siti Rahmah Hanifa